It was one of those moments when the body rests and allows the fingers to do the walking. I was going down Instagram Lane when I came across a post that read “I know my ex would be hurt if he knew the type of d*** I took today”. Now that sounded off. Really off. It was a case of taking poison to kill someone who offended you. Yep: it was dumb. Sounded as if someone was hurting from a breakup but was taking it out the wrong way.
Breakups can be hard especially if the relationship was long or very close yet they occur all around us. They are highly emotional moments and can cause old wounds to open leading to even more pain. It is one thing to mourn a lost relationship but quite another to do things with reckless abandon just to get even. At times, even the loss of a loved one can feel like a break-up especially if it was sudden and unexpected, or there was unfinished stuff between you and the departed. We may blame the other person or ourselves for it but this is not the time to apportion blame.
How we handle a breakup or relationship loss can be a do-or-die situation. It can help us be on a recovery path that eventually leads to better, healthier connections or set us off on a slippery slope of self-destruction and an endless cycle of broken hearts. A relationship loss could very well take us through the stages of grief. It is a bereft period and may have fear and uncertainty as we move from a season of “we” to one of “I”. The following steps can be useful to deal with it.
Acknowledge it
Acknowledge that it has happened, and it hurts. It is ok to cry, wail, scream or just sit still but allow yourself to feel the emotions associated with the relationship loss. Sitting with our emotions and allowing them to flow makes a way for them to ebb away. At times, there may be a sense of relief from the breakup which can leave you feeling guilty or confused. It is important to get some space away from the crowds to allow you to process. All in all, take care of yourself. Do not feel embarrassed about how this looks to others. At this stage, one may feel like breaking things, smashing, or burning things associated with the person that has left us. it is ok to do so but safely. It may also help to keep them away from sight and decide at a later point which ones to really keep or destroy. If possible, have someone sit with you. They do not have to say anything, but just being around: hugging you or sitting with you might be all that’s needed. If nobody is available, go home and allow yourself to process it. It will be harder but still possible to deal with the loss. It is also a pointer that you need a change of friends. If you have immediate needs such as a place to stay or a little cash, do not be ashamed to reach out to friends or family to help.
If you find yourself sitting with someone going through this phase, this is not the time to tell them it will be ok. That hurts. Just let them know that you are there for them. If they do not want to eat, or shower, let them be especially immediately it has happened. Later, you can gradually encourage them to eat something or groom themselves but give them time to come to terms with the loss. identify their needs and support them without waiting for them to ask. They may be embarrassed or ashamed to ask for a place to put up or cash to get by as they get back on their feet. Offer to help without judgment.
Talk to a professional
Find professional help with a therapist. A lot of times we feel as if we can handle it by ourselves but it helps to talk to a professional. They will help us safely process our emotions and develop a healthy relationship with ourselves. They will also help us to identify what could have led to the relationship loss and how to improve our relationship habits for better relations in the future. They will advise on reactions that could be harmful to ourselves like the good friend at the beginning who went looking for d***s to spite their ex. Remember: the real deal is to emerge from this a better version of yourself, not to change the way people view or treat you.
Introspect
Look in. It helps at this point to remember that we cannot change the other person or what they feel towards us. We cannot even make them like us again if they do not want to. What we have control over is what we do with our lives. We take our power back by working on becoming better: not for the other person but for ourselves. We stop looking out and begin looking inwards. Introspection and self-reflection are useful habits to inculcate at this time. Journaling, nature walks, and meditation help a lot. Do things that help to ease the pressure but also allow us to honestly evaluate ourselves and identify potential relationship blind spots. In the initial stages of the breakup/loss, avoid alcohol at all costs. It can lead us to addictive habits that can be self-destructive. Also, avoid getting into new relationships. These will be rebound relationships. We are not in a state to objectively evaluate any new relationships and are at risk of more harmful engagements and break-ups. These will only make the recovery process harder. It is however important to stay socially active by being with friends and/or family that will support us through the recovery. Do not isolate yourself as this could lead to depression.
Self-love
As we discover areas of us that need improvement, we then embark on a journey of recovery and self-improvement. We take care of our physical bodies by eating healthy, exercising, and sleeping enough. Exercise may help with the lack of sleep: when we are tired, we are more likely to fall asleep. Yoga and meditation help to keep us centered and calm and reduce incidences of anxiety. Self-care may also mean physically distancing ourselves from the person we broke up with. This includes online distancing. Stop reading their online posts as they can trigger more pain or be used to hurt you even more. It may be necessary to cut off any communication with them: blocking them, changing your number, not reading their messages, or simply not taking their calls. Others will only love us to the extent we show them to. Let them learn how much they should love you by observing how much you love yourself. Choose yourself.
It will be different however if the relationship included children. In this case, you need to ensure that whatever you do, you keep within the legally allowable limits. It may be wrong for example to deny a parent access to their children because your relationship with them did not work out. You can get a separate telephone line to allow them access to the children without having to call you. It is different if they were physically abusive in which case a court order restraining them from accessing you and the children may be required.
In the case of children being involved, you will need to process the break-up in the context of continued contact with them. In this case, getting a professional to walk with you through it becomes even more important. There is a risk of your emotional wound bleeding onto the children and ruining their relationship with the other parent. Therapy helps to avoid this.
It’s never a straight line
Remember, we are all different and therefore our journeys will be different as well. What takes one person a week to get over could as well take another a year to deal with. Most importantly, keep growing, keep getting better. It is the journey that counts, not the destination. Break your recovery into small, simple steps and celebrate the little wins. It all adds up eventually. Be wary of the temptation to go back to a cycle of pain and healing, breaking and making up. Make up your mind if what you are going through is worth a repeat and be wary of someone that takes you through it repeatedly. It is time to stand up for yourself and let go, however hard that seems. There will be times it feels like a victory to get over it, and other times you will wonder if you made the right decision. Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for getting into this situation. Forgive the other person for breaking your heart. Allow yourself to experience all these feelings but do not dwell.
You can do this
Ever noticed how hunger triggers in our brains a need to feed? And as you eat and are full, it triggers a message to stop eating? We are created as masterpieces. Systems with automatic start and stop buttons that are capable of handling all that comes our way. So, the next time something falls apart, remember you have in you what it takes to get back up and going again. Just be still and listen to the body and soul…the silence will be loud and clear. It feels impossible, hard, you are tired and cannot do it. But sometimes we’ve got to put on our big girl (or boy) pants and deal with it. I hate to bear bad news: not many people really care about your life as much as you think they do. That means whatever D or P you bring home may be none of your exe’s interest. It’s your life, your circus (and the monkeys too are yours!). So suck it up and show up! Life is getting by……
Live….fully
As you get stronger, you now need to establish long-term relationship goals. Define what a new relationship means to you and deal with old wounds that need to heal before you venture out again. Be clear on your expectations for future relationships, what are your non-negotiable values and how you wish to be treated. Believe in the good of humanity: there are still good souls out here and you deserve to meet them. Focus on making friendships rather than romantic relationships and let things grow from there. Allow yourself room to be vulnerable and to trust again. Remember heartbreaks may happen time and time again. Being prepared ensures that we deal with them better each time.
No matter what happens, you need to live your life to the full. Do not allow experiences to stop you or define you but use life lemons to make lemonade for the journey. Go out and do the things you enjoy, create new memories, and experience love and life all over again. Let your light shine once again; radiating the goodness inside you to all around you. Keep growing and glowing.
Like all seasons in life, this too will pass. Hang in there. Have some faith and keep hope alive.
