When Jesus began His preaching career, he taught us valuable lessons about having our priorities right. He did not allow the hustle and bustle of ministry or this life deter Him from doing the right things for the moment. When he needed to rest, He did. When He needed to teach or eat, He did. He took care of Himself to be able to take care of others.
We too ought to find that balance in our lives. Out of the fullness in our own lives are we able to give to our families and to society. We need to balance our time for others with time to take care of ourselves. Often time we “fear” what will be said of us if we take time off to rest and recover, to do the things we love or to just get in touch with our inner selves. Being able to do this gives us the sure footing from which we give in an even greater way to our families. Self-care defines the standards by which others too will treat us. We often blame our spouses, society or everyone else but ourselves for the neglect and abuse we mete out on ourselves. Fortunately, the power to turn it all around lies with us.
As we live out our lives, we have a calling to meet the needs of others. This requires that we have even greater reserves of love and strength to do it well. How do we achieve this balance given that we may be called upon in multiple places/ways?
- Identify our priorities and define our purpose
Each of us has a definite purpose for which we were created. Every aspect of our lives fits in with this higher purpose. We need to step back and define what our purpose is: what is it that if we achieve, we will say we have lived our lives fully? How can our societal role help us in achieving this purpose? Taking time to outline this and even write it down gives us a sense of direction and clarity on what it is that we hope this phase of our lives will help us achieve. Some may say my purpose is to give people business solutions to enable them to have businesses that transform society: how can my current role lead me to this? It had better otherwise we will be in a constant state of conflict; one where we feel our role is robbing us of who we are. Are there things in our roles as a mother/father, husband/wife, son/daughter, aunt/uncle or even friend we are learning that can propel us closer to achieving this purpose? Are there things we can do differently to achieve our purpose/destiny? It takes intent and commitment to self to identify this and we have to muster all we can to get there, otherwise, we will be like a ship tossing about in the ocean radar-less and without direction. Then when one phase of our lives passes, we discover we lost who we are and so lose value and meaning in life. These will be the parents who eventually follow their grown children around because they seemed to be their identity.
Simply list the most important things in the phase of life we are going through and identify their order of priority or significance, or the ones we can delegate and those we cannot. This will enable us to quantify the task at hand and sift through those tasks that are good but not important vs those that are important. For example, keeping the house clean and in a habitable state is a very important task. Must it be done? Yes. Must it be actually done by us personally or we can direct others to do it and achieve the same result? Yes, we can. Plan each day in detail: while this may seem a lot of work, it eases off the pressure of a cluttered day in which we are trying to do everything. It enables us to achieve more, and be in better control because we have an idea of exactly how we want things to run. If we can make plans for our organizations, why not our lives?
- Delegate as much as we can
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It is also not a sign of failure on or part as a wife, mother, sister, worker or whatever other role we play. It takes strength to acknowledge our weak points. It does not also mean we are neglecting our roles as wife/mother as it has always been thrust in our faces. The demands of modern-day living are especially hard on the mother who may be also a bread winner, home maker, society leader, wife and mother all in one. What can we allow others to help us with? Can that house work be done by another person but with or oversight and supervision? Can someone else hold and feed the baby while we take that needed nap to recover? Can we take on less demanding duties/jobs or societal responsibilities if that will ease off some of the pressure? Can we do without some of the things we desire to have financially for now as we allow ourselves go through the early childhood phase of our children’s’ lives then we won’t need that busy job for now? Depending on the circumstances that are unique to every one of us, we allow ourselves the grace to let others assist where we feel overwhelmed. It is ok to have someone do the cooking because you are tired from work or want to spend some time with your baby or spouse. Remember relationships are built when we are, when we are present, not when we are doing. We re human beings not human doings. Our presence in each other’s lives matters much more than any roles or tasks we play. This is not a blank cheque for us to neglect our duties and laze around but let us go easy on ourselves.
- Talk to someone
Sometimes try as much as we can, we may just feel overwhelmed by the roles we play in life. This is especially true of new mothers and wives who feel the pressure of all the demands life suddenly throws at us. We assumed we have read all the books on sleep training a child until our own refuses to play by the rules in the book and all hell breaks loose. At that moment we feel exasperated and lost, sometimes ashamed that we have failed. It pays to have a friend or two who has gone through it before and who can offer us the ministry of presence: someone who can be a shoulder to cry on while offering practical tips to make it all work. These are hard to come by since more often than not they will laugh behind our backs, tell on us to others or be too busy to even so much as pick our calls. Remember, for us women talking is therapeutic and it takes another woman to hear us out just the way we want to be heard. Not to get solutions but at times just to get it off our chests. A word of caution though: not all of our linen is for public washing, and some of these so called ‘friends’ may mislead us so it takes prayer and lots of wisdom to determine who to talk to and what to talk about. Where we feel this is not possible, journaling has been of help. Penning our thoughts and feelings allow us to get to our own little space where we are heard yet do not feel judged.
- Spiritual strengthening
We are spiritual beings and have an inherent need to connect with our Creator. Being spiritually grounded means, we take the time to grow spiritually through prayer, reading and meditation. This strengthens our core, our substance and gives us the base on which we build everything else. Having God take center stage in our lives will enable us define the values we live our lives by, give us a refuge when things are tough and help us define our purpose in life. Just as the secret to a good workout is a strong core, our spiritual life is the core for all else in our lives. Take time to sit still: to just be with yourself and connect with your inner being and with God. Make it a daily habit to take a few minutes to just sit still. Evaluate what kind of day you wish to have, how you want it to go and what is required for it. At the end of the day evaluate what went well, what did not go well, what can we do differently/better and plan for the next day. Visualize the success we want, the kind of day we want and then we go on and have it. This is the power of faith. A belief in things not seen.
- Play
Yes, you heard me: play! Every adult has a little child inside of them who once in a while needs to be allowed the time and space to play. This can take the form of getting down to the floor with your children, letting your hair down and allowing some dirt on you as you roll with them, tickle them or kick that ball. A game of cards or scrabble with older ones can also help. This does not have to wait until all our chores are done. So, what if there are dirty dishes in the sink that can get washed tomorrow morning when we are fresh and well rested? Can those clothes be folded at a later time or day? Or by someone else as we play with our children or even our spouse? All work and no play makes Jane a dull girl too so get down and get some dust on you. Play includes bedroom games so shed that shyness and get some new ideas going between the sheets: the glow will be amazing!
- Find a hobby
There is that thing that makes us tick, makes us laugh or is the wind in our wings. It reenergizes us and gives a fresh drive to go on. It could be jogging, cooking, reading, or walking. Remember that list we made as we began? This too must make its way on that list and not at the bottom where we tend to put it. Take some time to do the things you enjoy as a way of rejuvenating and finding yourself and those loved ones will love the woman you will turn out to be. While at it, take time to pamper yourself. Get that massage, that spa treatment, nail job or a hair makeover to just spoil yourself and remind yourself that you matter. Buy that gift for yourself once in a while, go for ice-cream or that movie: as much as is within your means (do not rob a bank). Doing this helps to appreciate you, teaches others too to do the same and for those with daughters allows them to know that they matter even when they will be wives or mothers. Passion is a great driver for all things we do in life and keeping it on through our hobbies is a sure-fire way to keep the engine of our lives running in top gear.
- Keep healthy
We sometimes ‘let ourselves go’ when we assume the role of wife/mother. No longer taking care of the way we look or the shape or fitness status of our bodies. This is not right and does not equate to a woman loving her family. Neglecting our physical health is recipe for health disasters, taking away time and resources from the very ones we claim to love so much. It does not take much: just eating in a healthy way and getting some exercise in the course of the day should keep us fit as a fiddle. Who said we cannot look 16 at 40 and what is wrong with that while at it? Aging gracefully is a gift to self and to our loved ones too: trust me any spouse will appreciate a good looking, well kempt woman by his side. We too love it when the person looking back at us in the mirror looks well taken care of. Do not overkill yourself but physical fitness will enable us take better care of our families. Exercise releases endorphins that are useful to relieve stress, improve the quality of our sleep and even keep our sex lives in tip top condition (trust me that is motivation enough to get your spouse become your workout buddy). It boosts our confidence and this in turn helps us achieve even more. You do not want your weight to keep you from running around with your little ones when they want to run with you. Let go of the fact that you will take care of yourself when the children grow up: what lesson are you passing on to them? That self does not matter and we can lose ourselves. No wonder they are getting into abusive relationships because they go in forgetting themselves and not knowing where self begins or ends.
- Say ‘No’
This is often a tough one. We may feel as if declining a request is turning the other person down. It is at times taken to mean we do not care, or are lazy but saying no allows us to say yes to the things that matter. A balanced life, however, calls on us to be able to say no to some requests. Whether it is because our calendar is full, or it is a task we are not happy to undertake, ‘no’ is as complete as a sentence can be. Being able to say (and hear) a ‘no’ means we have identified what is a priority for us and whatever is being asked of us does not fit in that list. It prevents us from feeling rushed to complete tasks just because we wish to satisfy others and allows us to undertake our tasks well because we are able, have the strength and ability to do them well. It allows us some quality time off for ourselves because we take on only as much as we can manage. It is important for us to define what no means for us, otherwise, we may find ourselves using this word when we actually mean ‘yes, later’ or ‘yes’. Our ‘no’ must be a true no. There doesn’t have to be an explanation for it all the time. It is okay to say no because we do not want to do something and there doesn’t have to be a reason why. Setting our priorities and our boundaries will mean saying no to some things or to some people. Those in our lives who cannot handle our no do not respect our boundaries.
