Life went by slowly; days turning to months and later to years. Zawadi woke up and slept as the sun rose and set. That was life: mediocre, mundane and non-spectacular. She never quite paused to think about tomorrow, and when occasionally she did, it seemed just too much work. Unfortunately, time and tide wait for no man. She was getting older every passing day but that is what was meant to be according to the script she read from. We live, grow old and die, making way for the next generation as we pass to oblivion. She did not think that her life amounted to much. This girl from some village who made an attempt to make her life count but not quite succeeding. She missed the fact that when life passes us by, it is gone and there are no rewind buttons. Fortunately, there is a reset option on this play-recorder that is life. We can start all over just where we are: and make our dreams come true.
One afternoon, after a long day running errands and navigating the waves that were her life, she sat over a cup of coffee with her friend Pendo. It was one of those sessions you set out to whine and complain how hard life has been and all the unsurmountable challenges you are facing. All this in the hope that your friend will confirm your fears that indeed life is hard and that you are a victim of circumstances. It must have been so draining for Pendo. Zawadi, who always came across as calm and collected now sounding like a broken record; belting out a disorganized symphony out of its brokenness. It took a lot of patience for Pendo to sit there and listen to Zawadi..but then aren’t that what friends are supposed to do?
Pendo sat pensively listening to Zawadi. She seemed deep in thought. Her eyes seemed to see through the pain that Zawadi was going through and pity was written all over her face. She did not like what her friend was going through; the regular life she lived and the opportunities that passed her by. She knew her too well to know she deserved better. But Zawadi seemed not to see this. These thoughts had occupied Pendo’s mind for a while. She had wondered what to do about it but sitting here listening to Zawadi pushed her to the limit. She could not take it anymore.
“Who exactly is Zawadi?”, Pendo shouted. Zawadi was shocked. How could her best friend ask who she was? After all these years she didn’t know her? “I mean, who exactly is Zawadi?” Pendo went on. “Who do you define yourself as? What is it you represent? What are your beliefs, your purpose? What makes you tick?” “Listening to you, it seems as if you don’t know yourself either”.
Zawadi was taken aback. She closed her eyes, perhaps looking for who she was deep in the oblivion of her heart and mind. Hot tears streamed down her beautiful face. She made no efforts to wipe them away and they fell down to her lap. Pendo rose and hugged her friend. She too was crying quietly and they sat there: their heartbeats in sync as they felt the pain in Zawadi’s heart. Their tears spoke louder than the silence between them. They did not care who was looking. They just sat and cried. Then they calmed down and wiped their faces. Pendo looked at Zawadi straight in the eyes and gently swept away the frill of hair that had come over her face.
In a hushed tone she spoke to her friend. “Zawadi, you are the best friend I have. I believe you have so much potential in you. You just need to believe in yourself, rise up, go on and be the best you that you can be. You have allowed life to throw all sorts of things your way. You forgot to shelter from the storms that came your way. Your sunshine is hidden beneath a cloud: you smile at life but only from your lips. Let go of all this hopelessness: arise and shine. I will be by your side, urging and encouraging you but you: only you can take this path. Take time to find out who you really are: not the roles you play but who Zawadi is. You will love what you see”
Zawadi was tongue-tied. She seemed to have gone in to a trance. She stared into the distant horizon and an occasional tear fell from her eyes. They spoke of all the turmoil that was going on in her head at that moment. She slowly went over Pendo’s words. It was true. Flashbacks of the past that had been her life came and went. Some so painful it was like a stab in to her heart. Something had been stirred in her. It was time for this caterpillar to molt and be the butterfly that she was meant to be. It was already feeling painful. It is not easy to change from a caterpillar to a butterfly. But the pain was necessary. And this time, she was determined to make good of it. No more mediocrity. It just wasn’t her.
Zawadi finally came back from her time escapade and smiled at Pendo. She loved her friend to bits. She was the only one who had enough courage to tell her as it should be told. All her other friends cheered her on and celebrated. But not Pendo. She knew Zawadi better to know that behind the cosmetic smile was a heart that was hungry for more, that was searching for something it did not know what it was. And she had spoken it out. We all need people like these. The one person who looks at you straight in the eye and tells you as it should be told. We may not want to hear or like what we hear but it is the truth and they are not afraid to face us and tell it to us. They wish us well; they desire better for us. They are friends with benefits; not the ‘in- kind’ benefits ones but real benefits.
With slow deliberate words she spoke: “Thank you Pendo for what you have just done. You have awoken the sleeping giant in me. I needed someone to disrupt my bubble so that I can move out of the mud am stuck in. I know this is not what my life was meant to be. Like you said, I have recently desired more, but did not know what or how. Therefore, I had come to accept status quo. But this will change. I will set out to find myself. Please stand with me. Be my support when I seem to be falling, when the journey is hard and painful. I know in the end I will be just fine. And I will find Zawadi. I know. I promise.” Those last words were said with a will of iron. She meant it. She was out on a journey and she was determined to succeed.
They motioned to the waiter who brought their bill. They paid it off and left. On the drive home, Zawadi was in a pensive mood. The radio was off today. She needed some space, some quiet time just to reach out to herself. Many things went through her mind. What if she never finds herself? What if she does only to find that the current status was her lot? Could it be? No. even the Bible said otherwise. God had good plans for her. Plans for a future with hope. And His promises are true and amen. Definitely there was more to life. She would look for it. This one thing she would do for herself. To find Zawadi.
Over the next few days she spoke little. She was always in thought and often scribbled in her notebook. She wrote anything and everything that came to her mind. However minute the issue, she noted it down. Shockwaves of pain and joy reverberated through her body as she experienced the emotions she had bottled up over the years. Some memories were so good she wished she could live there forever. Others were so painful she wished she could erase that part of her life. She knew that they all had to be dealt with if her heart was to be ready for what lay ahead. For days on end she dug deep into the archives and made some deliberate decisions. She chose to forgive the hurts of the past. She let go of all those she was bitter towards. She purposed to separate herself from those that hurt her. She deserved better and would serve herself nothing less.
Like a caterpillar, Zawadi built a cocoon around herself. While inside, she began to read, and ask questions and pray. She sought the truth with all her might. If it was out there somewhere, she was going to find it. She began to say no to things that interfered with her quest. She debated every action and word. She did not notice it but the smile slowly crept back to her beautiful face. A lovely glow enveloped her. Every day, a little bit of this beautiful butterfly was getting formed and indeed it looked lovely. Zawadi was finally coming alive again. Like a newborn babe she opened her eyes and was amazed at the wonder of the world around her. She noted that there were flowers around her. Not that they had suddenly sprouted in the night but she had never noticed them. Every morning she noticed that the sunrise was beautiful and the awe of the sunset ended her day with a bliss she could not explain. Had she missed it all along?
As she walked on down the path of her life, the glow spread to her work and friendships. It was no longer hidden. Something had changed and it was a lovely change. Like a rose bud that opened up petal after petal, she became amazing. The beautiful butterfly was now ready to leave the cocoon: to spread its wings and fly: chasing the sweet nectar that life offered.
